Fuck the South
Still relevant, still awesome, and fucking perfect in an election year.
Fuck the South. Fuck ‘em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We’re the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionarieswere? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately “Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years” dickheads. Fuck off.
MAKES ME GIANT RAINBOW RAGE MONSTER
So there’s this section on page 31 of the 2012 Republican Platform, “Preserving and Protecting Traditional Marriage.” It starts off,
The institution of marriage is the foundation of civil society. Its success as an institution will determine our success as a nation. It has been proven by both experience and endless social science studies that traditional marriage is best for children.
Aside from that last sentence being a distortion of fact, if not blatantly untrue, and that I vehemently disagree with the use of “traditional” (I suppose implying “heterosexual”) marriage, I can handle this. Frankly, I kind of agree with the first two sentences, in specific contexts, but obviously that is not exclusive to so-called “traditional” families. Anyway, it’s nothing you wouldn’t expect from Republican bigots.
But then the paragraph concludes with this little gem:
…the union of one man and one woman must be upheld as the national standard, a goal to stand for, encourage, and promote through laws governing marriage. We embrace the principle that all Americans should be treated with respect and dignity [EMPHASIS ADDED].
Excuse me, I need to go find my dreidel; a reality check is in order. Nope, not a dream. What kind of parallel universe are Republicans living in that such an exclusionary proclamation can be concluded with “respect and dignity”… RAGE, RAINBOW-HULKIFIED ANGER.